Unchained Courage

by Lux Alani, author of The Little Vanilla Book

Those who do not move, do not notice their chains.
—Rosa Luxemburg

Ever read the story of the mouse that became mighty? Scientists genetically modified its sense of smell to switch off its fear of cats. This newly brave mighty mouse snuggled up to a cat and gave it a smooch.

The win is the “unlearning” of the mouse experiment. If you tunnel under the indoctrinated ideas of your supposed self, you might find a dragon slayer, an aerialist, or a Nobel Prize winner. The possibilities are endless. The question is, what would you do and be if you weren’t scared?

Most of us hate feeling scared, unless we’re in a popcornscented theater or on a hells-yeah rollercoaster. Helpless real life fear is the worst. But unlike the engineered mighty mouse, we need to be in touch with our fear—it’s our primordial tipoff to danger. It’s what we do with fear that counts.

That’s why the smartest advice is taking action in spite of fear, not pressuring yourself to conquer fear. Having our cage rattled proves we’re living and growing. Better to think in terms of an inner warrior who thrives on battle.

If your only job is to meet fear with action, it’s easier to battle train your warrior. Sometimes warrior training is about getting present for the smell of honeysuckle, sometimes it’s learning mixed martial arts, and sometimes it’s letting go. The end goal is to trust yourself.

I feared S&M for the same reason most people do: because I didn’t understand it. I was scared shitless to walk into a dungeon but knew there was something there for me. So much of the experience was about fear at first: What if I hurt someone? What if I couldn’t handle the intensity? What if I lost my childlike wonder? What if I liked it too much? I had to trust that I could handle whatever happened.

Fear wasn’t the only thing I spanked. Consenting submissives begged for all-out torture or humiliation, and guess who was the enforcer? It could be emotionally conflicting to be the punisher and the protector, wholly responsible for a sub’s well-being during a scene. Sometimes I got lost in the flow and had to remind myself to monitor their body language and emotional signals. Other times the intensity (or the hilarity of role-play) was nearly too much.

I faced BDSM taboos because I knew there was a payoff. (Besides a foot fetishist painting my toenails Chanel red with his teeth.) There’s always a payoff in fear. The thing about bravery is, no matter the life lesson, the act of facing fear head-on is its own reward.

I did it are the three most powerful words, after I love you.

Like any good journey, my dominatrix detour had a beginning, a middle, and an end. I took power play to the master level, pun intended. The art of domination helped liberate me, and the lessons of the dungeon were instilled in me. They influence my vanilla life every day.

Don’t let fear keep you from your full potential. You are a fierce heroine! Act on faith if you don’t believe it yet. Play-act your heroine into being in small ways, like trusting that you’re okay in this one moment. Build risks into your life practice and don’t lose out on the payoffs of fear.

How else can we vanilla Janes trust ourselves and nurture our bravery?